ineke.co.uk

Public service announcement: if you listen to the Star Wars soundtrack on @Spotify THE PLAY BAR IS A LIGHTSABER. As you were. pic.twitter.com/W0jt3OCxdi

— Anna Lapwood (@annalapwood) January 13, 2020

80% of the London Underground is, in fact, overground.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 10, 2020

Yes this storm is terrible and bits of the house have come away, but look on the plus side, we have three new trampolines.

— cluedont (@cluedont) January 11, 2020

Daughter, 15: “Elisabeth's having a birthday party. The theme is the year 2000, so we all have to turn up in flares.”
😳

— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) January 12, 2020

I've got a joke about Sean Connery's sister's baby daughter. It's a little niche.

— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) January 12, 2020

Happy #Caturdayhttps://t.co/nVcRo89gJh

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 11, 2020

Very very sad news: this weekend my uncle, Guy Harkin, former Mayor of Bolton, died. You may remember him from the podcast …a company once tried to force an unpopular housing estate on the town & Guy stopped it by threatening to call new roads 'Goering Drive' & 'Hitler Avenue'.

— James Harkin (@JamesHarkin) January 13, 2020

Me like typing me thoughts instead of saying dem because it not polite to talk with mouth full. And me mouth is almost always full.

— Cookie Monster (@MeCookieMonster) January 13, 2020

SHOPPING LISTS IN DECEMBER
• Chocolate
• Cheese
• Wine

IDEAL SHOPPING LISTS IN JANUARY
• Spinach
• Kale
• Gym membership

REALISTIC SHOPPING LISTS IN JANUARY
• Half price chocolate
• Half price cheese
• Half price wine

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 14, 2020

Over 90% of your serotonin and over 50% of your dopamine is not in your brain, but in your gut.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 14, 2020

Perhaps not the point but it's bugging me so, genuine question:

Hasn't he printed her name where he's supposed to print his? Is everything I know about formal letter writing incorrect? https://t.co/KMG9mUHL8c

— Aaron (@AaronBoardley) January 14, 2020

Thanks for the knock @mrdanwalker pic.twitter.com/6Ce2FhwkAo

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 14, 2020

"Not enough to do" 😂 https://t.co/7PAg3V3JIK

— Patrick J L Davies (@RevPatrickD) January 14, 2020

Life would be so much easier if broccoli tasted like Pringles and Pringles tasted like broccoli.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) January 14, 2020

THE TWO STYLES OF VEGANUARY

STYLE 1
• Quinoa salad
• Aubergine teriyaki
• Butternut squash soup
• Spinach and sweet potato hash
• Whole roasted cauliflower

STYLE 2
• Chips
• Chips
• Chips
• Roast potatoes
• Chips

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 15, 2020

Can’t fail the waiting targets if there are no waiting targets… https://t.co/qd7XnOFNcf pic.twitter.com/Op5OczzkIV

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 15, 2020

This. Is. Hilarious. 😂https://t.co/lakyV9pSY9

— Jon Cooper (@joncoopertweets) January 12, 2020

Ewan McGregor, Liam Neeson, Hayden Christensen, and Laura Dern would ruin takes because they couldn’t help mimicking the ‘zhhjummmm’ of lightsabers and the ‘pew pew’ of blasters while filming various episodes of Star Wars.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 15, 2020

Wishing luck to every showbiz agent in the UK currently trying to get one of their clients the Bake-Off gig.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) January 16, 2020

Shout out to anyone who doesn't know what the opposite of in is.

— Bargain Hunters (@Bargains90) January 16, 2020

NICE THINGS ABOUT JANUARY:

1. Good excuse to wear thick socks
2. Low chance of sunburn
3. Short queue in the pub
4. Good excuse to wear nice jumpers
5. Half price mince pies
6. Don’t have to spend time with your family
7. No wasps
8. Good excuse to wear a duvet outside

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 17, 2020

Today's Twitter Poll: Is it right to call in sick if you’ve a cold?  

If you’ve a stinking cold, but nothing else wrong, should you call in sick? Or is that just a bit wimpy.  Which of these is closest to your view

— Martin Lewis (@MartinSLewis) January 17, 2020

Things you feared deeply in childhood that turned out not to be much of an issue in adult life: quicksand.

— John Niven HQ (@estellecostanza) January 7, 2019

BAKE OFF IDEA: they use green-screen and Noel Fielding is *both* presenters and, eventually, also plays all the bakers.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) January 17, 2020

‘Hello Miss Khorsandi I’m calling from
U.K. accident blah. How are you today?
Me: ‘not great’
‘We understand you were in a minor accident recently….’
Me: ‘wasn’t minor. I died.’
‘Excuse me?’
Me: ‘I died.I’m dead now. ’
‘Oh I’m sorry to hear that’
Me: ‘thanks.bye’#bigandclever

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) January 17, 2020

Did we ever solve the mystery of what she would look like with a chimney on her?

— Beattie Edmondson (@tweetyedmondson) January 17, 2020

When the meerkat ads first arrived, the point was that Alexandr ran CompareTheMeerkat & was frustrated that people confused it with the unrelated CompareTheMarket. But nowadays he just straight up runs CompareTheMarket. Did I miss the ad that explained his hostile takeover?

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) January 18, 2020

To help speed up the solving-time for Rubik’s Cubes, lubricants can be used to grease the joints. These include Cubicle Lubicle, Cosmic Lube and Lubix Cube.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 18, 2020

It was a perfectly fine name until the fall of 1990. https://t.co/Kw1orzrKCr

— Will Smith (@willsmith) January 11, 2020

If Harry and Meghan don't launch a burger called a Sussex Royale with Cheese then the whole thing will have been for nothing, nothing I tell you

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) January 18, 2020

BREAKING: An agreement has been reached on Harry and Meghan’s future: pic.twitter.com/MgOy6DRTZO

— Emily Nash (@emynash) January 18, 2020